Mouse in the House

I kinda had a lame weekend thanks to packing up one zillion outbound Ebay shipments. On Saturday night, I played poker with Charles for at least four hours and lost $20. The good news, however, is that I bet him $20 that Reggie Bush would win the Heisman. Genius took the bet, so I ended up breaking even on the night, at least as far as money goes. Where I didn’t break even, however, was on the health side of things. I stayed up way too late, and then I felt like crap all day yesterday.

As if that weren’t enough, yesterday was filled with minor annoyances that just don’t work too well when you feel all shitty on a weekend. The big news item of the day actually played out over the course of the entire day, and it was pretty much all Mr. B’s (one of my dogs) deal. Here goes”¦

In the morning, when I let the dogs out to pee, I noticed that B came running through the back yard with something in his mouth. I was like, wtf, and when I went out to see what it was, I realized that he was carrying a FUCKING MOUSE. That’s right, little pink tail, little pink legs, and everything else that comes with the lil’ critters. The only good news (I guess) is that the mouse was dead. Of course, upon realizing what B was carrying, I freaked out, and he dropped it. We immediately went back in the house, and I was nothing if not slightly disturbed.

The problem, however, was the fact that I left the mouse out in the back yard. I didn’t want to pick the thing up, but I also knew that the next time I let the dogs out to piss, they’d be all over it. Because I refused to pick up the rodent, I was forced to stand guard over it the next few times we went out to piss, making absolutely sure the dogs couldn’t so much as sniff the lil bastard.

By 4:30, though, I was feeling like garbage and decided to lay down for a nap. I slept for a couple of hours, and when I woke up, the boys were ready to pee. I was feeling all groggy, so I just let them out and stood by the door. Unfortunately, I had kinda forgotten about the mouse thanks to my nap, but right as they were about to finish up, I remembered it. I was thinking, “Oh crap. I hope they don’t bring that thing back in here.”

After a couple of minutes, the boys came back in. First Deuce, and then B came running after. To my pure and abject HORROR, B came barging in with the little rodent fucker IN HIS MOUTH. As soon as he crossed the door jamb, I freaked out. “AGHH!!! FUCK! NO, B, OH GROSS! GOD!” Of course, he promptly dropped the mouse right there on my kitchen floor, legs up in the air and totally rigor mortised.

Now keep in mind, I’ve just woken up from a nap, and I’m still kinda half asleep – only now, I have a rodent on my kitchen floor. And I’m damn near in shock. I don’t like rodents, OK? Especially not on my effin floor.

Fortunately, my screaming rants drove the dogs out of the room, so now it was just me and the rodent. I frantically searched for anything to pick it up with, but I had to satisfy a few crucial criteria before I could actually pick it up:

  • The mouse picker-upper could NOT allow me to contact the squishy body in ANY way
  • I had to be able to throw EVERYTHING away after doing the deed

I finally found some of that useless advertisement mail that I casually bitch about, and I used an HP mailer and a post office mailer to form a nice little “no-contact” scoop. With the rodent in tow, I bee-lined it for the garbage can, and I quickly flopped the mouse in there, mailers and all. Unfortunately, the garbage can was almost totally full, so the rodent didn’t fall very far. What’s worse, he didn’t fall out of sight at all. In fact, he was sitting right there on top of all the trash, lying on his back like a $2 hooker, staring up at me with limbs all pointed out.

I slammed down the lid of the garbage can and shuddered as I shook off a cold chill. That was my weekend.

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