Only a Moron Would Call This News

Thanks to all the political crap, insane homicide stories, and doomsday BS that gets thrown around during news telecasts, I’ve developed a very short fuse for informational media in general. My beliefs were further solidifed today when Fox News (which I watch at Qdoba) used up an early segment of the Studio B newscast to bring us coverage of … a forest fire.

Now I know what you might be thinking – “Chris, that’s not all that out of the ordinary. Sometimes there’s really bad forest fires, and people’s lives could be in danger.” Yeah, and the greenhouse effect coupled with intercoastal water pollution is affecting the baby seal population which you seem to be so fond of but ironically have never seen in person.


Let me elaborate on why a forest fire is not, and never will be, noteworthy news material. Hell, I’ll even spice things up a bit by presenting it in list format. Yay!

  1. Fires are a natural, healthy part of the life cycle of a forest, especially those in the Southwest region of the US. These fires enrich the soil with vital minerals and nutrients, ensuring the persistence and prosperity of the forest in the years ahead. Hippies, rejoice…It’s natural!
  2. Almost every single forest fire that gets national news coverage takes place in California, which everybody knows is home to a large percentage of the nation’s flake population. While I think it’s awfully sweet that Mr. Flakey and his plastic wife decided to build their dream home in the foothills and forests outside of Palm Springs, I don’t give two shits about the fact that their house is suddenly threatened by a natural process that’s been going on for a zillion freaking years.
  3. It pains me to think how much it costs the taxpaying residents of California (what’s that, like 30% of the people there considering immigration?) to pay for the helicopter full of sand to make 30 trips back and forth to douse one acre in glorified kitty litter. And all this to save a few dumbasses’ homes from getting engulfed in the flames that the rest of us knew were imminent?

Incidentally, I’m going to be tagging TV news media in as: things to avoid because they will make you freaking crazy. Yep, right next to heroin, doing laundry, and cleaning dog piss off the carpet.