Open Letter to Someone I Should Have Beaten to a Pulp

Is there or is there not an unwritten, unspoken code of conduct among mature adults? In my opinion, there are interpersonal boundaries that you simply do not cross, and last night, I witnessed an egregious, almost unbelievable breach of this “code.” Seeing how I’m so absolutely pissed off about what happened, I’m going to write an open letter to the guy who broke the rules.

The Letter

Dear Guy Who Thought He Was The Poker Champion of the Universe,

I watched you when you sat down at the poker table last night. I saw you roll up the sleeves on your white, button-down shirt, revealing a questionable gold watch. I noticed your spiked hair and designer jeans, and I knew you thought you were hot shit. I was all over it when you looked around at the people seated at the table and then gave a wry smile as if to say, “I’m going to fleece these people.” When you sat down, you flipped your chips around like the guys do on TV, and I could see just how much you wanted to believe you were one of them.

So go ahead. Be a badass.

What is it with you, man? Every time someone would make a call or a raise, you’d roll your eyes like you thought they were idiots! Clearly, you think you’re the authority on every play.

But hey, maybe I just overreacted. Maybe I just passed judgement because I thought everything about you reeked of a prefabricated attempt to mask your underlying insecurities.

Or maybe not.

You see, when you and my buddy went head to head on the biggest pot of the night, I saw the way you looked at him. I could read your thoughts plain as day: “What does this idiot think he’s doing calling me?” You almost looked offended.

While I’m slightly peeved that you run around passing judgement on people using whatever idiotic criteria suits you, I’m much more upset about the fact that in this case, you couldn’t possibly have been more wrong. My buddy graduated from MIT, and I’m sure you don’t even know what that is. He has every reason in the world to assume that those around him are on a level well below his own, and yet he underestimates no one. On the other hand, you’re over there without a pot to piss in, calling the kettle black at every turn.

And you paid for it.

When my friend won the hand by getting a flush on “the river,” you completely flew off the handle. You cussed him, called him a faggot, and threw your cards across the table in a tantrum that any two year old would admire.

I’m not sure you noticed, but everyone within earshot was shocked. People were looking at each other uncomfortably, wearing expressions that had “are you kidding me?” written all over them.

You told my buddy he was an idiot for playing the hand, even though there were no fewer than 11 cards in the deck that would have allowed him to win. With an $80+ pot on the line, what’s another $8, or even $16 for that matter, when you have a 25% chance of winning?? Doyle Brunson himself would tell you that you have to make that play. Smart guy that he is, my buddy made that play, and he took you to the bank. Looking back, I see that as the universe’s way of ironing out the wrinkles that asswipes like yourself tend to cause.

Don’t tell anyone, but I wanted to hurt you. A free thinking adult who thinks, walks, talks, and acts like you is better off six feet under – or worse – in my opinion.

When I got home last night, I temporarily hated myself for not confronting you directly, despite the fact that my friend handled the situation admirably and with class. Unfortunately, I don’t think words speak to people like you. Judging by the superficiality of your character, I think people like you need clear, obvious reasons to change your behavior.

Like me stepping on your neck and threatening you. Or me crushing some ribs. Or maybe me planting a big right hand solidly in your cheek.

Don’t think that entire room wouldn’t have been behind me, either.

Enjoy your tail-chasing experience in the sub-amateur poker circuits. The fact that you’re destined to fail only makes it that much sweeter for me.

Eff you and the goat you rode in on,


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13 comments… read them below or add one

David Krug April 14, 2006

You wouldn’t want to play poker with me. I set around and act like the dufus and then get lucky sometimes. I listen to my iPod, and whistle a lot ignoring everyone.


Aaron Brazell April 14, 2006

In the immortal words of Scooby Doo – “Ruh Roh”…


Evan April 14, 2006

Poker is a near perfect analogy for life. “The fact that you’re destined to fail only makes it that much sweeter”


$80 says he doesn’t know what a “blog” is. This probably isn’t the best medium to catch his attention. :)

I’ve had a bad run of late…seems I can’t chase a fly off a pot. And when I go in hard, people have busted me to pieces “on the river.” (either that or I go in against the nuts) *sigh*

So, I’ve been pissed. But never enough to have an outburst like that. That’s poker–shit happens.

Did you happen to catch what hand this guy was playing?


Chris P. April 14, 2006

Oh dude, I’m glad you brought that up, because that is the clincher in this whole deal!

The high card on the table was a Jack, and of course, after the river, there were three hearts on the table as well. Any player worth a damn would have been positively sickened by the sight of a third heart on the table, but not this guy. He just pushed harder, incensed that somebody would continue to call his rock-solid winner (Oh, and there was a potential straight on the board, too).

His hand?

Pocket queens!

Everybody with me now:



Evan April 14, 2006

OOOOH! That is a tough hand to lay down. I’d love to know the betting sequence too, but yeah, that’s boring and long and moot.

If this guy was as dick as you say, I’d have called him down just on general principle.


Mike April 14, 2006

Probably was the first time he’d ever had a pair !

In more than one way….


Greg Holbert November 8, 2012

This comment made my day! You’re awesome!


Brandon April 18, 2006

I thoroughly enjoyed reading that story. Also, I once beat you in a class poll to determine which of us could do the best 1st season Cartman impression in Bro. Bob’s C++ class. You handled the loss with grace and class.


Chris P. April 18, 2006

Ha, hilarity. Deebes, I think? You did have a rock-solid Cartman impression.

I. Am. So. Pissed. Off. Right. NOWWW!


Frederick December 13, 2006

I know this comment is hitting an old article, but it was a funny article. I have seen countless guys like this in all walks of life and it makes me positively giddy when I see them “get theirs” due to someone whom they thought was a moron. :)


jj September 8, 2008

eighty dollar pot, are you kidding me, the way he reacted I thought they were talking about like a grand or 5 hun at least


Kmuzu September 8, 2008

Were you actually playing 8-16? Because if it was then you should know that every two-bit cowboy with shit on his shoes plays 4-8 or 8-16. I suggest you play 20-40 and you won’t have that problem. Not that I’m judging – most of the games I play are 4-8 and 8-16, but I just put up with the morons. Omaha H/L will also filter out the idiots .. oh and a good Ipod helps.


Rick Answer Analyst February 2, 2009

I love a good won it on the river story. I am not much of a poker player and I have an addictive personality so I think it is best I do not attempt to learn all that needs to be known to do well.

It is great to see that you let your emotions out on the keyboard and not on this dufus. He may deserve it but you left his ego intact to be cleaned out by some other lucky person.



Hoot and/or Holler

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