Only a Moron Would Call This News

Thanks to all the political crap, insane homicide stories, and doomsday BS that gets thrown around during news telecasts, I’ve developed a very short fuse for informational media in general. My beliefs were further solidifed today when Fox News (which I watch at Qdoba) used up an early segment of the Studio B newscast to bring us coverage of … a forest fire.

Now I know what you might be thinking – “Chris, that’s not all that out of the ordinary. Sometimes there’s really bad forest fires, and people’s lives could be in danger.” Yeah, and the greenhouse effect coupled with intercoastal water pollution is affecting the baby seal population which you seem to be so fond of but ironically have never seen in person.


Let me elaborate on why a forest fire is not, and never will be, noteworthy news material. Hell, I’ll even spice things up a bit by presenting it in list format. Yay!

  1. Fires are a natural, healthy part of the life cycle of a forest, especially those in the Southwest region of the US. These fires enrich the soil with vital minerals and nutrients, ensuring the persistence and prosperity of the forest in the years ahead. Hippies, rejoice…It’s natural!
  2. Almost every single forest fire that gets national news coverage takes place in California, which everybody knows is home to a large percentage of the nation’s flake population. While I think it’s awfully sweet that Mr. Flakey and his plastic wife decided to build their dream home in the foothills and forests outside of Palm Springs, I don’t give two shits about the fact that their house is suddenly threatened by a natural process that’s been going on for a zillion freaking years.
  3. It pains me to think how much it costs the taxpaying residents of California (what’s that, like 30% of the people there considering immigration?) to pay for the helicopter full of sand to make 30 trips back and forth to douse one acre in glorified kitty litter. And all this to save a few dumbasses’ homes from getting engulfed in the flames that the rest of us knew were imminent?

Incidentally, I’m going to be tagging TV news media in as: things to avoid because they will make you freaking crazy. Yep, right next to heroin, doing laundry, and cleaning dog piss off the carpet.

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16 comments… read them below or add one

Brian Clark February 8, 2006

Amen. Although I was born in Cali, I left as soon as I could crawl.


Devin February 8, 2006

Colorado experiences tons of fires each year. Plenty of them are unnaturally caused (fireworks, cigarettes) and in that case it IS a problem becuase a) people started a fire b) people are now exposed to what was previously not an issue and c) in order to protect people and property additional lives will be put at risk.

I see what you’re saying, Chris, but this post seemed to rub me the wrong way.

I do strongly agree with you though: the “news” is filled with purely sensational bullshit. I’ve given up watching any ‘mainstream media’ news for over a year now. Put simply, it was making me as frustratedas you were when you wrote this post. ;-)


Chris P. February 8, 2006

True, Devin – I was remiss in forgetting about our ecologically-irresponsible, drunken, pyromaniac friends out West. How silly of me!

Now that is news.


Renee February 9, 2006

I do agree about it being a natural part of the life cycle and all. I know a lot of people here that will burn their gardens every other year so that things get rejuvenated and stuff will grow better.

These people need to give us news that we can use, something that we absolutely need to know.

But if they waited for a newsworthy story, they might never have anything to report.


Kenneth February 9, 2006

Having visited Colorado I can tell you most residents are transplants from California. So in this instance I would side with Chris on crazy people building in fire prone areas.


Devin February 9, 2006

Huh. I thought this was about the news, not a blanket assignment of ignorance…


Chris P. February 9, 2006

Haha – it’s all good, Devin. We midwesterners get our kicks by making fun of Cali-folk. I think the perception is that their reality seems a bit “loose” by comparison, and in order to feel good about living somewhere that has really cold winters, a low national profile, and zero entertainment industry, we have to take a shot at them every now and then.


Dennis Bullock February 9, 2006

Is this anything like I cant believe my trailer was destoyed in that tornado?


Chris P. February 9, 2006

Yeah, except with a tastefully ironic socio-economic twist.


Devin February 10, 2006

Haha fair enough, guys. Still, not a happy day when firefighters die, that’s all…


Bryan February 10, 2006

Just to mix it up a bit, is hurricane coverage newsworthy? It’s a natural occurance that has happened for zillions of years, the only difference is that some places tend to get hit more then others…but everyone knows it is still coming.

The people that build hours RIGHT on the Florida coast KNOW their house could be washed away or destroyed if a powerful enough hurricane sweeps by, yet…they still build.

Anyways, felt like mixing it up a bit.


Chris P. February 10, 2006

The magnitude of a major hurricane fills a vast majority of us with awe and wonder. In my opinion, I don’t think fires have this same sort of magnetism. At least, they don’t in the sense that people thousands of miles away will really be moved by the event. I would point to Katrina as a prime example of this intrinsic difference…


John February 13, 2006

How about this. Don’t watch it. Watch something else. Don’t watch anything. Whatever you want. You didn’t mention that anyone was holding a gun on you. You have freedom of choice – use it. Unfortunately, lots of folks want to see the big bad fire. If no one watches, the news will change. How can you complain when you chose to watch it? Please ….


Chris P. February 13, 2006

If I viewed life from your perspective, there would never be anything to talk about.

Does anyone else get annoyed when people pull this universal perspective garbage in a debate?


Nick April 23, 2006

I get annoyed by universal perspective garbage.

I agree with your point about the news in general Chris. There is a serious lack of information about anything of actual substance anymore.


raj May 13, 2006

Wow. I can’t believe how many comments you got for such a silly post :) Remember kids, only you can prevent silly posts. Anyone have a match?


Hoot and/or Holler

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