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Mouse in the House

I kinda had a lame weekend thanks to packing up one zillion outbound Ebay shipments. On Saturday night, I played poker with Charles for at least four hours and lost $20. The good news, however, is that I bet him $20 that Reggie Bush would win the Heisman. Genius took the bet, so I ended up breaking even on the night, at least as far as money goes. Where I didn’t break even, however, was on the health side of things. I stayed up way too late, and then I felt like crap all day yesterday.

As if that weren’t enough, yesterday was filled with minor annoyances that just don’t work too well when you feel all shitty on a weekend. The big news item of the day actually played out over the course of the entire day, and it was pretty much all Liddi B’s (one of my dogs) deal. Here goes…

In the morning, when I let the dogs out to pee, I noticed that B came running through the back yard with something in his mouth. I was like, wtf, and when I went out to see what it was, I realized that he was carrying a FUCKING MOUSE. That’s right, little pink tail, little pink legs, and everything else that comes with the lil’ critters. The only good news (I guess) is that the mouse was dead. Of course, upon realizing what B was carrying, I freaked out, and he dropped it. We immediately went back in the house, and I was nothing if not slightly disturbed.

The problem, however, was the fact that I left the mouse out in the back yard. I didn’t want to pick the thing up, but I also knew that the next time I let the dogs out to piss, they’d be all over it. Because I refused to pick up the rodent, I was forced to stand guard over it the next few times we went out to piss, making absolutely sure the dogs couldn’t so much as sniff the lil bastard.

By 4:30, though, I was feeling like garbage and decided to lay down for a nap. I slept for a couple of hours, and when I woke up, the boys were ready to pee. I was feeling all groggy, so I just let them out and stood by the door. Unfortunately, I had kinda forgotten about the mouse thanks to my nap, but right as they were about to finish up, I remembered it. I was thinking, “Oh crap. I hope they don’t bring that thing back in here.”

After a couple of minutes, the boys came back in. First Deuce, and then B came running after. To my pure and abject HORROR, B came barging in with the little rodent fucker IN HIS MOUTH. As soon as he crossed the door jamb, I freaked out. “AGHH!!! FUCK! NO, B, OH GROSS! GOD!” Of course, he promptly dropped the mouse right there on my kitchen floor, legs up in the air and totally rigor mortised.

Now keep in mind, I’ve just woken up from a nap, and I’m still kinda half asleep – only now, I have a rodent on my kitchen floor. And I’m damn near in shock. I don’t like rodents, OK? Especially not on my effin floor.

Fortunately, my screaming rants drove the dogs out of the room, so now it was just me and the rodent. I frantically searched for anything to pick it up with, but I had to satisfy a few crucial criteria before I could actually pick it up:

  • The mouse picker-upper could NOT allow me to contact the squishy body in ANY way
  • I had to be able to throw EVERYTHING away after doing the deed

I finally found some of that useless advertisement mail that I casually bitch about, and I used an HP mailer and a post office mailer to form a nice little “no-contact” scoop. With the rodent in tow, I bee-lined it for the garbage can, and I quickly flopped the mouse in there, mailers and all. Unfortunately, the garbage can was almost totally full, so the rodent didn’t fall very far. What’s worse, he didn’t fall out of sight at all. In fact, he was sitting right there on top of all the trash, lying on his back like a $2 hooker, staring up at me with limbs all pointed out.

I slammed down the lid of the garbage can and shuddered as I shook off a cold chill. That was my weekend.

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5 comments… read them below or add one

Cassie December 12, 2005

Bubby caught a mouse. Yes, Bubby. Be glad you don’t live on a farm. I don’t think you would survive all the run-ins we have with critters.

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tfro December 12, 2005

Dude, thats too funny. I’m hoping you took the trash out by now…

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Jennifer Grucza December 15, 2005

It’s just a little mouse. :)

I remember the night my cat Yo-Yo caught a mouse in my old apartment. He was so excited! I let him play with it for a while (he apparently killed it right away), because he was so delighted and I didn’t have the heart to take it away immediately.

When I determined he had had enough time playing with it (and after telling him how proud I was of him for catching it), I used a similar means of picking it up – a piece of paper. But then my curiousity got the better of me and I picked it up in my hand to see how it felt. Nothing gross, just a furry little mouse. (I did wash my hands afterwards.)

Anyway, I dumped the mouse out my (2nd story) kitchen window. I figured nature (or something else) would deal with it.

Yo-Yo was rather bewildered and disappointed when he couldn’t find it anymore.

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Matthijs December 16, 2005

I once had a mouse trapped in a mouse trap. But unfortunately it was still alive. So I had to kill him/her. But how? In the end my shoe and weight was enough, but it did feel strange to do that…
That makes one think. How long would an average person survive once thrown back in the stone age? :)

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Birgit December 23, 2005

*lol* guess what we found in the car yesterday…a rat under the motor hood!

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